Alfred!
I love you!
Alfred! I love you! I love you! I love you! Do you love me, too?
Yes, I love you! - Alfred!
I love you!
Say it again!
I love you! - I love you, too!
I love you, I love you! - I love you, too!
I love you.
Do you love me?
Really? - Yes!
I love you too.
Pauline! Pauline! Pauline, I love you.
Pauline, I...
All my thoughts are now about him.
Farewell.
But, Pauline! But...
But... She's mine.
THE TROUBLES OF ALFRED
But they're crazy.
There, there, there.
Starboard.
What?
I want to die!
It's cold. - I just ate.
Who can swim? - Well...
Swim very well? - Not very...
What was that?
Leave me alone.
I didn't ask you anything.
Oh, please!
How can they interfere in other people's death like that?
You should have some savoir vivre.
Your names? - Dhumonttiey.
Bodard. - Dumontier. Bodard.
Dumontier, Bodard.
Names.
Dhumonttiey. - Bodard.
You. - Dhumonttiey.
With an 'H'.
An 'H' after the 'D', not an 'H' after the 'T'.
Remove the 'H' from the 'T' and add the 'H' to the 'D'.
There. - With two Ts.
Ttiey. Dhumonttiey. Two Ts.
No 'R'.
With a 'Y'.
Teiy. Ey. Y, ey.
Spell it for me. - 'D' for Denis, 'H' for Anthea.
There's no 'H' in Anthea. - What?
Anthea's with an 'A', like Arthur. - But there's an 'H' in Arthur.
No. Not at the start. - It's the same as Anthea.
Write it down.
Sit down, both of you.
No! My cape!
Are you a lifeguard? - No, an exhibitionist.
Excuse me, your kepi.
My kepi? - Your kepi. You're sitting on it.
You! Stay there!
You! Go there! There!
Car 44 here, all quiet.
For the bridge, take the first on the left.
Goodbye, sir. - Goodbye.
Goodbye then. - Goodbye.
It's not very warm. - Why did you try to commit suicide?
I have no luck. I've never had any luck.
When I was 7...
Nicht, nicht, it's not me, doctor. - Was?
That's no reason to commit suicide.
There have been many others. You have a good reason, of course?
Oh, me. I was a TV presenter.
That's a good reason.
I had a relationship with François Morel. - The TV host?
Yes. - Second good reason.
No, you can't say that. He was very different from how...
he comes across. Generous... sensitive...
and so gentle...
I have a bunch of flowers for you. - Oh, François, you're wonderful.
But I see 2 bunches. - The other one's for my wife.
He wanted us to live together after his son did his First Communion...
next year. A year passes quickly.
And me? My case is worse.
Since my parents died... - 25 years of marriage!
I'll carry you over the threshold again. - Don't forget your slippers.
Dad?
Mum?
Uncle Henri.
Know that you're not alone, kid.
Three. Ah, some days!
This coffee's bad.
I could see he loved his son. I loved him too, without knowing him.
I brought him presents. This is for Jacques.
Careful, it's fragile! - He breaks everything anyway.
And I believed him. - You keep interrupting me.
It's not all about you. - Let's go.
The morgue.
The station of the big goodbye. - What?
Like the Gare de Lyon. You know when you leave...
but not when you come back. Careful!
Last night, I was in François' office to return some files.
Who are you? - You're the stupid TV presenter.
Why are you in my husband's office? - Your husband?
I'm Catherine Morel. - I don't believe you. Stop destroying...
the presents I give to his son. - We're expecting our first in 3 months.
It will be a girl. - So he didn't have any children?
No.
I don't have any either. I could have had them though.
And why a girl? It'll be a boy.
Marie, a child with Marie. - No, with Catherine.
I'd prepared everything, calculated everything.
She'll be exactly there. I'll be here.
I'll say: 'Marie!' I'll get up. 'Marie!' 2 steps to the right.
One step to the left and another one, on my knees, bend over...
arms around her, kiss! Right foot turns off the light.
Right hand turns on the record player. Albinoni and hop!
That's it, right, left...
bend, right foot...
record player and hop!
Marie! - A fine.
Marie!
A signature...
Damn!
No, not there, there...
No, not there, there. There. No, not there. There.
No, thanks. No champagne.
Ma...
Marie!
And that's why you kill yourself? - No. Pauline's a nun.
That's the last straw... - Who's Pauline?
And what about me? - And me...
I'm a builder without an apartment. - A what?
Anything I touch, goes...
Jump in the water if you like. - Idiot.
You idiot.
We have nothing more to say. - I agree.
Well, see you later. - No, goodbye.
As I always say, sleep...
sleep and sleep. That's it.
To bed, rascal. Come.
It's there.
More sleep, always more sleep. That's what I always say, kid.
That's how you've become European champion.
And that's how you'll keep your title tomorrow.
He gave it to me. - That's interesting.
Sleep, sleep. Go to sleep, kid.
Who put that there?
Is that a ball?
Have a seat.
But don't take the chair near the wall, because it's completely...
Did you hurt yourself when you fell? - No, when I got up.
Have a seat. I'll make you a compress.
Oh, I never put it there.
Except today.
Have a nice shower. That will do you good.
Again?
Take the pink nightgown. I have another one.
Careful, the hot water tap is on the other...
side. - I see.
What's he doing?
What are you doing? I won't let you do that.
What's wrong with you? Let go of that.
I wanted to shave. - That's what they all say.
I won't let you out of my sight. - Is that him?
This time, I have my eye on you.
I'm heating up a pâté. - Of course. No pâté.
I'd rather starve to death. That's slower than gas.
While you're asleep, you won't do anything stupid.
Neither will you.
Don't you think it smells...
I must have opened it by mistake.
Agathe, don't jump!
What's wrong with you? - I can't trust you.
You pretend to kill yourself...
but you're terrified by a hammock.
Hello.
Coffee?
Milk?
How many sugars? - Two.
And another half.
We'd gone there for sauerkraut. And it was pretty good.
But something tasted bad. It gave me stomach pain afterwards.
They must have prepared it in a bad way.
I had a beer with it.
I don't like to leave him home alone. I'm on edge.
Are you sure you don't mind? - Of course not. I'll look after him.
I'm available. - The key's in the door.
Do you have my address? - No.
Sleep, always sleep, always more sleep.
He's so cute.
Hello, miss. - Sir.
Hello.
Hey.
Cigars, cookies, caviar.
Cream puffs... and champagne.
Agathe, you must be proud. You only think of yourself.
All this comedy for a child I didn't have.
Exactly when I'm about to have one. Try to understand.
I have a wife and a career. Agathe is free and independent.
It's easy to commit suicide when you have nothing to lose.
The next issue of Paris- Dimanche will be interesting.
What a scandal! It's started already.
DOUBLE SUICIDE TV PRESENTER
But that's you. What are you doing here?
Who did she commit suicide for? Maybe she's pregnant.
They're trying to...
It's unusually warm in the polar circle...
which leads to lots of speculations.
The weather will be good... Excuse me.
Yes, sir?
But it's not a work related fault.
But everyone has their own problems. You can't blame me...
for being unhappy. Alright, sir.
The weather will be fine in the northern half of the country.
And even better in the southern half.
The good weather will last for 3 months.
Right. We'll continue...
We're talking to Mr Orlandi, manager of Kid Barentin. Are you confident?
Am I confident? Garcia won't last 5 rounds against Kid.
And do you know why?
It's his legwork.
On his right, he's got a low guard and he's got a mean punch in his left.
He's got an iron fist and a beautiful head.
He's a solitary creature without any weaknesses.
He's a fortress! A preacher! A pugilist priest.
Sleep, sleep and more sleep.
Better is the enemy of good. - A great middleweight fight...
for the European championship. On the right, the titleholder.
It's time, buddy.
Time for what?
My little bunny. - Bunny, me?
Still waters run deep.
Wake me up at 12 PM.
Lucrèce! - Agathe! Oh, that friend of yours.
What a temperament. A real little bunny.
Well, bravo. You didn't waste any time.
Just a way to kill time. - If you enjoy playing...
little bunnies. - I've been hearing that all day.
That's enough. I don't care about your love life.
Morel was here. I sent him downstairs on his back.
Idiot! It's none of your business.
Brute! Suicidal jerk! Little bunny!
What are you waiting for? - Well...
Listen, contractor, is that something for you?
Yes. - Good. 'Needed for Malacca.'
'High salary. Go to CAPAC 46, Champs- Elysées.' Is that for you?
Yes. - 'Has to speak Malaysian'.
You don't speak Malaysian, do you? - Oh, yes, yes. No problem.
Bantua, Malaysian, Kirghiz... - Well, go then. Go!
Next!
Do you speak Malaysian?
Batang aktang sang kalang. - What?
Batang aktang sang kalang. - Is that southern Malaysian?
Kang! - Oops, the work...
is in the north. Next!
Bating akating sing kaling. - Very good.
Are you having a bath? Let's go to the TV station.
They're hiring.
Did it rain? - Yes, but the water's nice.
Come in, gentlemen. You're here to undergo...
a series of tests to determine your physical and...
intellectual capabilities.
If you're selected, you'll participate in the new TV game...
with François Morel, Paris Against Province.
Gentlemen, this may be your lucky day.
This is your big chance. Relax.
Get comfortable. - Hello, gentlemen.
You are? - Kid Barentin, champion.
Age? - I'm just here with him.
Occupation? - That's quite a story.
Address? - Thir... thir...
Family situation? - Only child.
Nationality? - That's complicated.
Race horses? - Well, that's exactly...
How many cars do you own? - No, I told you...
Purebred dogs? - No, horses.
Pleasure crafts? - Well, uhm...
Second house? Diseases? - What? But I'm a champion.
Race? - Purebred.
Religion? - No, I'm just here to...
Glucose level? - Quite a lot.
Heterosexual or homosexual? - Tero what? I'm a champion.
Education? - 2 degrees in 2 years.
Criminal record? - Nothing.
Star sign? - Star what? I'm a champion.
Tendency towards violence? - No, I'm friendly.
How do you feel about death?
I put something on the table. I'll bang my hand on the table.
The objects will jump up. Try to catch as many as you can.
We'll see how fast your reflexes are.
We'll judge your eye- hand coordination and your subconscious tendencies...
based on which objects you catch.
What? - Don't worry about it.
Do as I do.
Say as many words as you can in a minute. ready?
P... p... p... p... - Next. Your occupation?
Co... co... comedian.
Thoraxial capacity.
Blow, sir. - I'm only here to...
It must be blocked.
Next! - I understand.
Blow!
Tired already? - I have a flat tire.
And you're going backwards? - I'm coming back to pick him up.
Sex maniac.
Alright, hit... - Who? I'm a champion, you know?
Just hit the table.
I'm just here to keep him company.
He said... He told me...
Push. - Which one?
Whichever one you want. - What will happen?
You'll see.
Next.
I'll push this one. I'd like some toffees.
Bad luck.
Kid Barentin.
Alfred Dumontier.
No, I'm just here... He asked me...
Boggy Betnot.
Those on my left have been selected.
Those on my right failed the tests and can leave.
Wait!
Correction. Those who could stay have to leave.
And those who had to leave, can stay.
The ones who passed are the bad ones.
And the ones who failed are the good ones. Is that right, sir?
But what's with these absurd tests?
This selection mockery? We've hired idiots, a brute...
Between you and me, this game has a clear objective.
The province is grumbling. We need to appease them and that's why...
we put them up against a Parisian team. The province has to win.
What's wrong with you? What are you doing?
Hop! - You've been drinking.
Hop! - I've been waiting for 3 hours...
4! - I've been waiting for you for 3 hours.
This was our last evening. - Hop, hired!
I've got my job back. I'm leaving with Morel tomorrow, for a game show.
It's called Paris Against Province.
I find it hard to leave you.
Malaysia's quite far away.
We're in Saint- Laurent du Berry!
The atmosphere's fantastic!
It's the start of our television show...
Paris Against Province!
We'll travel through France for a whole month!
In each town, a local team will be up against...
the team from Paris! - I'll give you a close- up, skunk.
The winner of each match will win 10,000 francs.
This is the moment to prove...
that you have Fanfan La Tulipe's blood in your veins!
We'll see the guys from Ménilmontant.
And this is the team from Berry, with captain Mr Bagnolet, farmer.
Over to you Berry!
Berry independent!
Let's play. It's a game.
We're here to have fun.
And here is the team from Paris, with captain Kid Barentin...
former middleweight champion of Europe!
You've all been carefully selected and glory may await you.
You may be on your way to victory...
like moths to the light.
Our courageous candidates are about to line up for the whole country to see.
First, the tug- of- war. - 1 point.
The car with lateral traction...
is a literal attraction.
Second: the balancing act.
2 points.
And third: the rugby match. - 4 points.
For those with more muscle than brains.
What counts is that it all counts.
So you'd better show us what you've got and hope that it's enough.
Two cameras will be watching you.
You, gentlemen of the local team, and you...
gentlemen from the Parisian team.
They will broadcast to the entire nation...
Every little thing you do, will be broadcast.
Please!
We're not here to have fun.
Let's start, gentlemen.
Attention! Go!
8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
Bravo! - Bravo!
And here's the team from Paris. I'm counting.
The team from Paris lasted 0 seconds.
The team from Saint- Laurent, 12 seconds.
So Saint- Laurent's still leading. The first game was worth 1 point.
The second game's worth 2 points.
Berry leads 3 points to 0.
And now part 3 of our game Paris Against Province.
This part's important because it will be decisive.
It's worth 4 points! It's rugby, a sport worthy...
of our teams made of steel! - To rugby or not to rugby!
Alright, alright... please. Let's start, gentlemen.
You will practice for all of us to see.
It's a sport that dates back to the Middle Ages.
The Berry team kicks the ball.
Hey, guys.
Dad, the pond! - Never mind.
Bravo! We've won a million!
We've won a million. - Wait, not yet.
The program ends with a victory of the Parisian team...
that just won a million old francs. But wait.
We'll put this money on tomorrow's games.
It will be double or nothing.
Hachis Parmentier. Next. - Why didn't we get the million?
What if we... lose tomorrow?
Are you a comedian? - And what, what...
Have you performed? - Not yet.
Do you want me to punch you? - One cannot be blamed for...
reacting to a provocation. Article 244 of the criminal code.
Just because you want to be a lawyer. - I certainly do.
When I get back, I'll pass my exam. - At 43 years old.
Schweitzer was 84 when he played Bach. - I've seen you before.
Who, me? - Yeah.
Well, Alfred, what about Malaysia? - It was in the north.
When I saw you in that group, doing those dangerous things. You!
I won. - No, Alfred!
You should find work you like. To stay with them is suicide.
I know all about suicide. Let's not start again.
Hurry, Agathe. Your table's set at the tavern.
Don't forget you're part of the staff.
I'm not hungry. - We don't stop working at 6 PM.
Alright.
See you soon.
Never mind. - Have you seen my boots?
I was a jockey once, Big Léon. - Not big, chubby.
At 16, I was riding the best horses. Simply because I was short.
But after 6 months, I started growing and growing...
Goodbye, horses!
You should... have been... riding... giraffes.
I know giraffes. In Africa, with Schweitzer.
I was his right- hand man.
Stay put, guys. I'll get it. See?
What time is it? - Midnight.
Where's the... - Outside.
The new television game...
Paris Against Province.
My wife said: 'Today, it's me or the television.'
That new game looks terrible.
If I get injured, I'll sue the station. And I'll defend myself.
If you get injured, I'll look after you.
Have this. Schweitzer can't see you. - Hurry up, artist.
Some things need to be done. I respect my audience.
'To be or not to be, that is the question.'
What? - To... b... be or not to b...
that's the que... question.
Moutier's team's ready. Here's the team from Paris.
The game's about to start. Each candidate will be put...
in a very large cupboard, with no bottom, on wheels.
They have to make it move by pushing it from the inside.
Until they reach the end of the terrain, which they have to do first...
in order to win. And with the cupboard.
Little detail: 7 angry billy goats...
will be released among them.
Gentlemen, get into your cupboards! - And release the billy goats!
Oh no! Oh no! - Hey!
They have flaring nostrils and rugged beards.
A billy goat gets irritated by its own reflection in the mirror.
Attacked by the angry animals.
And now? Better?
Will he win? - Yes! Yes! Yes!
Ah, aye aye! no! - Daddy, it's a horse.
Never mind.
A billy goat attacks! The Parisian gets back...
into his cupboard. And the billy goat joins him!
The billy goat's in the cupboard.
It's wobbling dangerously and changing direction.
The cupboard and it's inhabitants are going in all directions.
Yes, he crosses the finish line. He's won!
Who? - A Parisian.
Are you sure? - Yes, yes.
The team from Paris has won...
2 million old francs. This money will go to the next program...
our next broadcast: double or nothing! - Oh no, no, no!
No! 1 million, then 2 million, and still nothing in our pockets.
Why not 4, 8, 16, 32? I'll let Morel know what I think!
I know what I'll tell him.
I'll say: 'Sir...' - Hello, friends.
Hello, sir. - Drinks for everybody.
Members of the jury, Mr Prosecutor, Mr Morel...
my comrades and me have decided, after some deliberation...
and having pondered on our findings...
that we agreed upon after our initial deliberations...
so as to come to a judgment free of animosity and trepidation...
which deserves to be evaluated in the light of...
I'll have a vermouth. Dhumonttiey, with an 'H'.
A beer from Strasbourg. - And a white wine for Big Léon.
Agathe, I have to talk to you. - I have nothing to say to you.
No, more to the left.
Forget about Jacques. I'm sure he would have loved your gifts.
Oh, please. Don't talk as if he died.
He isn't born yet.
We're on a slope. - Use...
What? - Use a flying buttress, idiot!
I didn't behave very well, but I couldn't do what I wanted.
I was afraid to lose you. - But you have lost me...
while you were trying to keep me. - Now I'll tell you the truth.
When I heard about your suicide, I wanted to die.
What did you say, boss? - I wanted to die.
Really? - Drop dead, skunk.
No, really. I was desperate.
Tell me, how can I believe you?
Agathe, have lunch with me. - I can't. I'm meeting someone.
Don't I look ridiculous? - Not at all.
I'll keep it short, because I don't have time.
You don't mind?
Please, have lunch with me.
Don't I look ridiculous? - Not at all.
I have to confess something. When I heard they'd fired you...
I said to the boss: 'Hire her again or I'll stop hosting games.'
And what did he do? - It's true...
that they hired me again. - I was missing one person and...
the world seemed empty, sir.
Bravo! He's won! 2 pairs of... Oh, you confuse me.
Don't I...? - N... not at all!
Smiling through your tears.
Your face is a rainbow.
Oh, François, our song. Do you remember?
I remember.
Don't I...
Not at all, not at all!
I'm going for a walk.
Do you want us to come with you? - No, I'll go for...
a walk to relax.
Wearing those leather shoes?
So you're going? - Yes, I'm going...
He's going. Of course.
You look ridiculous.
No, he doesn't look ridiculous.
Alfred, don't forget the flowers.
Alfred, I have big... But you look ridiculous.
What? I told them. - I have big news.
Me too. - I'm enjoying life again.
I'm in love!
He's so sensitive. So brilliant. So wonderful.
That would be a classic. I ask 'Who?' and she says someone else's name.
Who's that? Won't happen this time. - François Morel.
It did happen. I'm very happy for you.
I'm so happy. I'm very, very happy.
I'm so very happy. - I owe it to you, Alfred.
Life, happiness, love.
Very happy. - But what about you, Alfred?
Are you feeling better? - Not bad. I'm very happy.
Goodbye.
Very happy. I'm very happy. Happy!
Anyway, we'll play... - Yes.
And?
Paris Against Province!
8 million!
They have plenty of time to lose the 8 million.
Paris Against Province!
16 million! He's getting on my nerves. He's getting on my nerves.
Paris Against Province! 32 million!
He's getting on my nerves. He's getting on my nerves.
Paris Against Province! 64 million!
This money will be used for another double or nothing.
Daddy, the eggs. - Never mind.
Which edible, bulbous monocotyledonous plant...
in the lily family contains 1300 calories per kilo?
Could you repeat the question? - Aie!
Yes, l'ail, garlic! Bravo! - He's getting on my nerves.
Alfred! 1, 2, 3! Alfred!
I'm becoming an idiot.
Alfred! Alfred!
There, there. - Where?
Are you coming? - No, I'm having a break.
Look at the yellow and red one. - This one?
Not so long ago, those apples would have fallen on me.
You should have been an architect.
I feel like giving up. - You're completely crazy.
You're on the front page of the papers. I've been there too, you know?
Addictive, isn't it? - No, I just don't feel...
like becoming a gladiator. - Isn't there something else?
Women are all the same.
Enough about her. I don't care about Agathe!
I don't care about Agathe.
What is she thinking? - Yes, what is she thinking?
When I start a job, I finish it!
I don't care about Agathe. - We don't care about Agathe.
Take Morel. Oh, Morel. I don't care about Morel.
We don't care about Morel. - And those 250 million...
I don't care about it! - We don't care about the 250 million!
256. - No, 250.
No, 256.
Well, no... - No, 250.
I do care about Agathe. Yes, I...
Agathe... - No! We'll wait and see.
Wait, I'm coming!
The situation's serious. 512 million.
More than a billion tomorrow. - I can take care of your team.
One of them is a big problem. Take yesterday.
If he hadn't been dragged 200 metres by the horse...
he wouldn't have picked up that many newspapers. 512 million!
I can take care of your Alfred.
Excuse me, Mr Mi... but I...
Are you injured? - Yes, by apples.
This has gone too far. Do you realise...
that it's now 515 million francs? - 12, sir, only 12...
Two more weeks and you'll have wasted the budget of the entire country.
You have to hire incapable people. - That's what they are.
It's one person... he's just... just lucky.
Fire him! France is almost ruined.
But he's become very popular. If I fire him, there'll be a revolt.
Eliminate him then. I'm leaving.
Don't forget you're not only watched by the people.
What...
Your...
Gustave, France needs you.
Alfred Dhumonttiey?
Gustave... - Mr Morel?
The door. - Yes, sir?
My finger. - Oh!
And here's the team from Caville...
with captain Yvon Dumen.
And the team from Paris, with captain...
What is...
They're beautiful.
Before we start the games, the mayor of Caville...
offers everybody a glass of good cider from the country.
Unfortunately, you can't drink with us, but you can at least...
watch the majorettes of Caville.
Well?
When he drinks that...
For me, Mr Alfred!
And me, Mr Alfred? - Yes.
Alfred! Alfred!
For Marie- Louise!
Paulette!
I want another one.
Another one, Alfred.
Your glass? - I'm looking for it.
Did he drink it? - No, they took the tray away.
He absolutely has to drink it. What effect will it have?
How will we notice? - First, he'll start to laugh.
Listen.
No. No.
You see, dear viewers, who cares whether...
Alfred has drunk cider or not?
You must understand that the cider was...
It's hilarious.
I've gotten orders to do something about the disorder.
Which disorder?
Of the province!
A glass of... a glass of cider.
Alfred, drugged. Funny, no? - As our cheerful host...
just demonstrated, we're starting the first game in good spirits.
Hello, sir.
- How are you?
Daddy, fire. - The first game...
was won by the Parisians.
82, 83, 84, 85, 86...
110, 111, 112, 113...
158, 159, 160, 161...
162, 163, 164, 165...
166, 167, 168.
It's good, but a bit long.
176, 177, 178...
I must have been working too hard.
Excuse me.
It's like with Agathe. Do you know her?
I told her I had a 10 year old child.
She bought it.
But what did you expect? She finds me irresistible.
She's not the only one. Right, ladies?
I'll write a complaint. Drugs, fooling around...
The candidates have to write as many letters as they can...
during their flights!
O... M... O...
I... Z... W!
And here's the man you were all waiting for.
Here is... Alfred!
Agate is a precious stone found in spring...
surrounded by flowers. If you're lucky enough to find it...
you will also discover that you have changed from a caterpillar...
into a butterfly.
They've won a billion.
And this is our last game. Do you see this target?
It will appear on your screens.
Hit it in the centre with anything you can get your hands on.
Attention! 1, 2, 3!
Bravo! You've won.
You've won the right to silence, to daydreams...
to fantasy, to peace.
Alfred!
We've won a billion.
Morel's in an institution.
It's funny. I feel as if I've just met you.
As if we just came out of the Seine.
That's nice of you to say.
Alfred... - Yes?
Alfred, I can't swim. - Me neither.
Save me. I love you! - I love you too!